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<title>𝕮𝖆𝖚𝖘𝖊 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊, 𝖞𝖔𝖚’𝖗𝖊 𝖆𝖑𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖞 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖉.. by BlueHornet</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22965115">𝕮𝖆𝖚𝖘𝖊 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊, 𝖞𝖔𝖚’𝖗𝖊 𝖆𝖑𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖞 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖉..</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueHornet/pseuds/BlueHornet'>BlueHornet</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>∫ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ ʷᵉᵉᵖˢ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ʳᵉᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳˢ ʰᵉ ᵒⁿᶜᵉ ʰᵃᵈ ʷⁱⁿᵍˢ ∫ @ForlornPast [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:21:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,060</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22965115</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueHornet/pseuds/BlueHornet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>∫ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ ʷᵉᵉᵖˢ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ʳᵉᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳˢ ʰᵉ ᵒⁿᶜᵉ ʰᵃᵈ ʷⁱⁿᵍˢ ∫ @ForlornPast [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632352</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐁𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐧 𝐎𝐧𝐞.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>           “What you’re feeling right now...it’s not death. It’s life...A new kind of life.” </em>
</p><p><em>           Still the hunter lies on the bed, still as he was placed by his younger brother except for the newfound first blade resting under his hand on his chest. Yet, his visitor doesn’t seem deterred by the continued silence. “Open your eyes, Dean. </em> See <em> what I see. </em> Feel <em> what I feel. Let’s go take a howl at that moon.” </em></p><p> </p><p>❖ ❖ ❖</p><p> </p><p>He should have never touched that damn dagger. Perhaps it had been the only solution, perhaps there could have been another one. </p><p>But Cain had been wise in isolating himself at that farm with his bees. Better to deal with it on his own then make others deal with the consequences. Consequences he should have thought of, but hadn’t decided to think much of it, even when he had felt the burn of the Mark as it transferred to its new owner. Damn Crowley for tricking him into accepting it.</p><p> </p><p>❖ ❖ ❖</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>           He had only just managed to sit up, eyes having met and held Sammy’s for a couple of seconds before he had gotten back on track. His younger brother, just as stubborn as he was it seems. The older Winchester had knocked him down for the exact reason of keeping him out of trouble. Or perhaps he had already sensed he wasn't making it out of this alive. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>           The blade slides the couple of inches across the floor to his hand, grip tightening around it as he straightens up, but Metatron was still quicker, despite the obvious signs that Castiel had succeeded in breaking the angel tablet and weakening him. The angel blade was cold as it slipped between his ribs and pierces his heart, a short gasp escaping the hunter as his head turns back against the wall behind him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>           At least he had been given enough time to speak with his brother one last time. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>❖ ❖ ❖</p><p> </p><p>Dean starts with a grunt, the thunk of the blade falling to the ground from the bedside table beside him momentarily distracting him as he leans over the edge of the bed to pick it up. The rush of power is familiar by now, and the returning nudge from the demon just another nuisance. </p><p>He’s quick to return it to the table, falling onto his back again as a hand runs over his head, pushing strands of hair from his forehead. At least the demon seemed intent on keeping it in order, Dean not having paid much mind to the first time it had grown a bit too long. The only mutual agreement between the two it seemed.</p><p>Now he found himself following Cain’s steps; avoiding everyone he could harm. It had been some time since he had parted ways with Crowley at the time he had thought he could control the demon, keep it restrained until they could figure out a way to get rid of it after Dean’s escape before the holy water treatment could be completed.</p><p>He couldn’t hurt Sam or Cas again, having left the bunker in a bloody mess the last time he had been there. If it wasn't the demon, it was the damn Mark.</p><p>Perhaps he had gotten his hopes up at Crowley’s words, when the King of Hell had questioned whether he was in fact a demon, or still a human. Though it hadn’t seemed to keep him from getting the blade from one of Crowley’s henchman that hadn’t done a good job at protecting it. Another bloody mess Dean had woken to.</p><p>But at least he had his other trusty friend; beer. Though not as much as he usually had, considering the last time he had gotten too drunk to keep his hold over the demon. But enough to give him that little edge off.</p><p>Whose side is he on? He still has no clue.</p><p>‘ <b> <em>But I’m sure you’ll find out soon Dean. </em> </b> <em> ‘ </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvbV5R-1BYI">I Am My Own Worst Enemy</a>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 𝐁𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐓𝐨 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐀 𝐋𝐢𝐞.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>          The screams have become a familiar thing to him now. Something that doesn’t much faze him from his work. Anything to avoid his own torture.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          He had tried. But one could only deal with so much before they broke, before they gave in and accepted a worse choice. To save themself from the pain, another must take their place.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          And still he continues, jaw clenched and determined as he moves on to the next.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          Indeed, perhaps he wasn't so different to what he had found himself stuck with now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>❖ ❖ ❖</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s waking once more to the feeling of blood on his hands, thankfully not enough to mean what they usually did. With the buzz of alcohol still in his system, it was an easy guess someone had been at the wrong bar at the wrong time spoiling for a fight. Just as he often found himself looking for as well. Enough to please the demon, to keep his control.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘ </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Or because you enjoy the violence. It isn’t the first time you liked inflicting pain and torture.. </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>‘</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaking his head, he pushes himself to his feet and moves to the bathroom of the small room of yet another hotel room he found himself in. Best to keep on the move, since he doubted Sammy would have paid attention to his note and let him be. Wouldn’t think he was still following the case he had been for some time. One he had already dealt with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he didn’t want to worry them anymore than they were, having spotted the many times Sam had websites up on his computer about the Mark. He catches a glimpse of the damn thing in the mirror as he turns the tap on and runs his hands under it, scraping dried blood off healed knuckles. He keeps his head down, not wishing to see yet another trick in the mirror of his past. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t seem he got much of a break from his past nowadays, of all his failures, of just how much alike he had become to what was lurking behind his walls. He had done his best to forget his time spent in Hell, when he had accepted the job of torture after years spent on the hook being dealt it. Perhaps he held out longer than most others as his brother had reassured him, but that didn’t make it better. Didn’t excuse the enjoyment he had had when doing it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sigh, he turns the tap off, shaking the water drops off his hand before reaching for the towel to dry his hands. He stays for a moment longer, hands gripping the sides of the sink as he looks down in thought. Eventually, he moves to head back into the room, gaze forced to the mirror to once again meet the brief black of his own before..</span>
</p><p><em><span>          ‘ </span></em><b><em>You think you have escaped Hell, that you left that part of yourself behind. Are you so sure about that?</em></b> <em><span>‘</span></em></p><p>
  <span>A bloody Cas is there, the hunter frozen in place at the reminder of their last meeting. Of how close the demon had come to killing him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> </span>
  <span>And then more follow, more of his victims in Hell, more of those who died because of his rushed decision to accept the Mark. How many times had the older Winchester died, yet to return for another go at life. And what a go the Mark had given him, cursing him with this demon, one that had started to feel like the unbound part of him. The Dean that had no barriers or restraints. That enjoyed the pain, whether it be inflicted on him or him inflicting it on others.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>
    <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdEajO2FAa4">When Did I Lose Myself?</a>
  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 𝐒𝐨 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐰𝐥 𝐎𝐧 𝐌𝐲 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐲 '𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 𝐆𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐃𝐨𝐰𝐧,</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>          The mirror’s smashed beyond recognition by now, the shards scattered across the bathroom tiles. Harder for the demon to play tricks on him if there’s no reflection to see. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>          His hand still aches from punching it, the images of his victims driving him to the breaking point that his usual calm attitude couldn’t keep in check. Yet he can feel the satisfaction, whether it’s from him or his other half, he’s not too sure just yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘ </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>You think you’ve gotten rid of them. The mirror isn’t the only way.</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> ‘</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>❖ ❖ ❖</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          He’s quiet as he sneaks up behind his victim, the Winchester still seemingly oblivious to his presence as he peeks around the corner before straightening up. Quick enough to see the approaching hammer aimed for his head, and quicker still to duck and return the threat with a knife to the demon’s throat.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          And he’s still calm even with the steel against his throat, even as it lingers there as the male before him stares at him wide eyed. He knows it isn’t the threat it’s meant to appear as. Sammy wouldn’t do that to his own brother.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          But that doesn’t mean he had the same reservations then. If it hadn’t been for Cas..~</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>❖ ❖ ❖</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>          The hunter is quick to kick the newly retrieved blade off the bed as soon as he realises he’s holding it and drops it. Cursing, he’s on his feet and pacing the room, the tv soon being his next source of anger as he lifts it off the table, cord being torn from it’s socket as he swings it around only to throw it against the wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          How close he had been to killing Sam. His own brother, that had hesitated with the blade to his throat even though the threat had been obvious. Even though it was clear Dean wasn’t the one in control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Perhaps, with better restraints and more time, the holy water could have worked. Could have gone past what they had tested with Crowley and purged the demon blood from his system. But he had gained more control over the demon at least, while there was no threat to it’s existence, there had been peace. Or so he had thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Demons were always tricky bastards, and yet it seemed more so Dean’s doing that it had gotten to this point. It seemed one could not live so closely with another without the two becoming more and more alike. Though at times, it seemed like it was more something he had kept hidden behind walls for so long. Now they were being torn down.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘ </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Oh so close Dean. You’ll see one day, I haven’t needed to do anything.</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> ‘</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>
    <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T77woOeRFfQ">Nobody Can Save Me Now</a>
  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐁𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐂𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It seems his mind loves tormenting him, the broken mirror not stopping him from seeing the beaten and bleeding memory of Cas, the angel blade stuck in the book beside him as Dean walks away, the demon managing to return quickly enough to warn him he wouldn’t miss next time.</p><p>All the stuff they’ve gone through, for him to be the enemy in the end. What humour the damn world had.</p><p>At least he could keep his side in the fight by staying away from them, despite how stubborn he knows they’ll be in finding him. Especially Sammy. Even if the demon is slowly winning, even if he can feel it tearing down his walls one by one, he knows that he doesn’t care anymore.</p><p>If this is the way his story ends, at least he’s going fighting. And he is determined as all hell that his brother won’t be dragged down with him.</p><p> </p><p>❖ ❖ ❖</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>           ‘𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘦𝘦.’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>             𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯, 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵. 𝘖𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦, 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵. 𝘐𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘬𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘯. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>             𝘏𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘯. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>           ‘ 𝙄’𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝘿𝙚𝙖𝙣. 𝙄𝙩’𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙠 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚.. ‘ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>❖ ❖ ❖</p><p> </p><p>He’s lost everything at this point that he never gave much of a damn for himself. Their dad died to bring him back, a deal that should never have been made. Whether his time had come or not in that car crash, their father had always been the better hunter. The better choice.</p><p>Sam could look after himself, he knew that. And so he leaves a note on the bed before he grabs the bag and leaves, knowing all too well Sam would find the hotel room soon. </p><p>
  <em>                                         𝘚𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYfbnd-zPrI&amp;t=65s">In The End</a>
</p><p> </p><p>❖ ❖ ❖</p>
  </div></div>
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